A Proud Asswipe!

I don’t go out much. I prefer to stay in and I only venture out when absolutely necessary. Like, to get food. Or gas for the Cutlass, or to the library, or the video store, or for food for the dogs, or for clothes but then, only when the need is great.

I’m avoiding human contact. I admit it. I don’t like people, not in general. There are particular people I like even less than the general populace but, that’s all ancient history and I won’t go into it.

I needed to be out yesterday and so I went making my way carefully to the Post Office (I forgot that one up top). After my business was transacted I got back in the Cutlass, backed out of my spot and I guess I wasn’t watching where I was going and was roundly blasted by a truck I didn’t see. A big luxury truck. The skinny blonde trophy wife screamed at me “Watch it, Ass-Wipe!”. Then she turned to check that her toddlers were all still strapped in – there was no harm done – and sped off through the parking lot.

Ass-Wipe. I guess she thought she told me! I wasn’t offended, just confused. If she called me a blind, brainless old coot with shit-for-brains I might have to agree given that I did pull out without first looking both ways. But Ass-Wipe? What’s it called when you make a verb-action into a noun? A gerund. Maybe it’s not a gerund proper as there’s no –ing involved, but she was trying to make me feel bad by tagging me as one who engages in ass wiping.

As a matter of personal hygiene, wiping of the ass is probably one of most basic markers of living in a civilized society. I doubt few are against the practice. Although I’m sure somewhere there’s somebody sitting on the bowl thinking, “Damn it, someone ought to invent a pill…”, but they’ve surely got to be in the minority. Maybe he's bitter because his bowel movement is like trying to push play-doh through a pin hole. They can help that condition now. This is a behavior we should laud, not lament. If you’ve ever ridden a packed subway in High Summer and had a seat and been surrounded by those who have questionable hygiene habits you will know what I am talking about. That’s another reason I don’t go out much.

It’s like calling someone a Fuck. As far as I remember, fucking was a pretty nice thing.

But that’s all ancient history and I’m not going to get into it.

Bud F.X. Landry